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  1. #1
    Loose Bolts Tuning stuTHC's Avatar
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    Joke thread, i need a laugh! post 'em up

    Ill start the ball rolling-

    Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.


    The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.


    It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.


    He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.


    'Well,it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'


    And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline..


    That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there..


    But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'


    'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'


    'No problem,' he says. And in they go.


    Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.


    In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.


    They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.


    As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.


    So he leans over and kisses Sandra..


    No one says a word.


    So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.


    Still, nobody says a word.


    So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table,and screws her right there, in front of her parents.His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom.


    'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.


    Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.


    All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.


    Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'Hey, no problem, I'll do the f****' dishes!'

  2. #2
    East Midlands Regional Rep Os8472's Avatar
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    Re: Joke thread, i need a laugh! post 'em up

    thats brillent

  3. #3
    Trader paul b's Avatar
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    Re: Joke thread, i need a laugh! post 'em up

    Understanding Engineers - Take One:
    Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
    "Where did you get such a great bike?"
    The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
    minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She
    threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,"Take
    what you want."
    The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
    probably wouldn't have fit."

    Understanding Engineers - Take Two:To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
    half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs tobe.

    Understanding Engineers - Take Three:A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
    particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
    these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
    The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
    ineptitude!"
    The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word
    with him." [dramatic pause] "Hi George, say, what's with that group
    ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
    The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
    firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire
    lastyear, so we always let them play for free anytime."
    The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I
    think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
    The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
    buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
    The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

    Understanding Engineers - Take Four:There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
    mechanical After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he
    happily retired. Several years later thecompany contacted him regarding
    a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their
    multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone
    else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they
    called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems
    in the past.
    The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the
    huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on
    aparticular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your
    problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly
    again.
    The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his
    service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
    The engineer responded briefly: "One chalk mark, $1.00. Knowing where to
    put it $49, 999.00."
    It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

    Understanding Engineers - Take Five:
    What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
    Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

    Understanding Engineers - Take Six:Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
    possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical
    engineer. Just look at all the joints. "
    Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
    many thousands of electrical connections."
    The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
    toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

    Understanding Engineers - Take Seven:
    Normal people believe that ...if it ain't broke, don't fix it."
    Engineers believe that: "...if it ain't broke, it
    doesn't have enoughfeatures yet."-Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle

    Understanding Engineers - Take Eight:An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
    better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he
    enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring
    relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress,because
    of the passion and mystery he found there.
    The engineer said, "I like both."
    The others: "Both?"
    Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will
    eachassume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the
    lab and get some work done."

    Understanding Engineers - Take Nine:
    An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
    and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent
    over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up
    again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful
    princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog
    out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog
    thencried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll
    stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the
    frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the
    frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess,
    that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't
    you kiss me?"
    The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
    girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

  4. #4
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    Re: Joke thread, i need a laugh! post 'em up

    I went to the docters the other day,i said have you got anything for wind,He gave me a kite

  5. #5
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    Re: Joke thread, i need a laugh! post 'em up

    How is a woman like a condom?
    Both spend more time in your wallet than on your di ck.

  6. #6
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    Re: Joke thread, i need a laugh! post 'em up

    I have bad humour . I'll try not to offend

    Q. What did the woman say to her swimming instructor?
    A. "Will I really drown if you take your finger out?"


    Q. Define "Egghead:"
    A. What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.


    Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
    A. Ate something.


    Q. What is the difference between "Oooh!" and "Aaah!"?
    A. About three inches.


    Q. What do you do in case of fallout?
    A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes!


    Q. Why do women have two holes so close together?
    A. In case you miss.


    Q. When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
    A. When he eats his first Brownie

  7. #7
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    Re: Joke thread, i need a laugh! post 'em up

    New poster! (less than 10 posts)

    GORDON BROWN was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
    classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
    meanings.

    The teacher asked Mr. BROWN if he would like to lead the discussion on the
    word 'tragedy'.

    So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

    A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm,
    is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would
    be a 'tragedy.'

    No, said GORDON - that would be an accident.'

    A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children
    drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'


    I'm afraid not, explained GORDON - that's what we would call great loss

    The room went silent. No other children volunteered GORDON searched the
    room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

    Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...

    In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mr Darling was struck
    by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.

    'Fantastic!' exclaimed GORDON. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that
    would be tragedy?'

    'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
    wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a bloody accident
    either!

  8. #8
    Non-member Mart's Avatar
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    Re: Joke thread, i need a laugh! post 'em up

    *attached file*

  9. #9
    Non-member Tiny Tim's Avatar
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    Re: Joke thread, i need a laugh! post 'em up

    Quote Originally Posted by Mart View Post
    *attached file*


  10. #10
    Loose Bolts Tuning stuTHC's Avatar
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    Re: Joke thread, i need a laugh! post 'em up

    Quote Originally Posted by Mart View Post
    *attached file*

    pmsl

  11. #11
    Non-member Mart's Avatar
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    Re: Joke thread, i need a laugh! post 'em up

    Best thread ever...

    http://forum.football365.com/index.p...ded=1&&start=0

    7 pages of the funniest photoshop'd pic's ever

  12. #12
    Non-member Adam L's Avatar
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    Re: Joke thread, i need a laugh! post 'em up

    Quote Originally Posted by Mart View Post
    *attached file*

  13. #13
    Non-member Adam L's Avatar
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    Re: Joke thread, i need a laugh! post 'em up

    Two Paddy's are knitting jumpers for their unborn children. The first one says ''I hope mine's a boy, i've used blue cotton''. The second one says, ''I hope mine's a spastic because I ****ed the arms up''

  14. #14
    Non-member tonesGTT's Avatar
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    Re: Joke thread, i need a laugh! post 'em up

    Quote Originally Posted by Purple_rob View Post
    I have bad humour . I'll try not to offend

    Q. What did the woman say to her swimming instructor?
    A. "Will I really drown if you take your finger out?"


    Q. Define "Egghead:"
    A. What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.


    Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
    A. Ate something.


    Q. What is the difference between "Oooh!" and "Aaah!"?
    A. About three inches.


    Q. What do you do in case of fallout?
    A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes!


    Q. Why do women have two holes so close together?
    A. In case you miss.


    Q. When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
    A. When he eats his first Brownie

  15. #15
    Non-member tonesGTT's Avatar
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    Re: Joke thread, i need a laugh! post 'em up

    Quote Originally Posted by Mart View Post
    *attached file*
    Genius

  16. #16
    Committee, Shop Manager, SE Regional Rep Bigfoot's Avatar
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    Re: Joke thread, i need a laugh! post 'em up

    Quote Originally Posted by Mart View Post
    Best thread ever...

    http://forum.football365.com/index.p...ded=1&&start=0

    7 pages of the funniest photoshop'd pic's ever

    Saw this video and thought of the pictures. NSFW

    http://www.break.com/index/sfw-porn-clips.html

  17. #17
    Non-member Billy-G's Avatar
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    Re: Joke thread, i need a laugh! post 'em up

    Little chav kid says to his Mum, 'Mum, how come I is black and you is white?'

    'Don't even go there' says his Mum, 'When I think back to that party, you're lucky you dont f*cking bark!'

  18. #18
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    Re: Joke thread, i need a laugh! post 'em up

    New poster! (less than 10 posts)

    Women are like parking spaces, sometimes, all the good ones are taken, so when no Fcuker's looking, you have to stick it into a disabled one...

  19. #19
    Honorary Member Guybrush's Avatar
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    Re: Joke thread, i need a laugh! post 'em up

    Quote Originally Posted by Mart View Post
    Best thread ever...

    http://forum.football365.com/index.p...ded=1&&start=0

    7 pages of the funniest photoshop'd pic's ever





  20. #20
    Non-member wrightygtt's Avatar
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    Re: Joke thread, i need a laugh! post 'em up

    Quote Originally Posted by Mart View Post
    *attached file*


    Lol thats superb

  21. #21
    Non-member Spidey's Avatar
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    Re: Joke thread, i need a laugh! post 'em up

    New poster! (less than 10 posts)

    New poster! (less than 10 posts)

    New poster! (less than 10 posts)






















  22. #22
    Non-member UNICRONICUS's Avatar
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    Re: Joke thread, i need a laugh! post 'em up

    Love these exam ones ^^^

  23. #23
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    Re: Joke thread, i need a laugh! post 'em up

    Quote Originally Posted by Bigfoot View Post
    Saw this video and thought of the pictures. NSFW

    http://www.break.com/index/sfw-porn-clips.html


    This is just genius. HAHAHAHA

  24. #24
    Non-member Adam L's Avatar
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    Re: Joke thread, i need a laugh! post 'em up

    Quote Originally Posted by Bigfoot View Post
    Saw this video and thought of the pictures. NSFW

    http://www.break.com/index/sfw-porn-clips.html
    Just saw that, classic.

  25. #25
    Member D4WNO's Avatar
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    Re: Joke thread, i need a laugh! post 'em up

    Ignore

  26. #26
    Member D4WNO's Avatar
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    Re: Joke thread, i need a laugh! post 'em up

    A couple of text jokes I've received recently:

    1) A kid was sitting on the stairs with his cat, and a bag of jellybeans. His mum was watching him. He put a jellybean in his mouth, then bit the cat, then moved down a step. He then put another jellybean in his mouth, then bit the cat, then moved down another step. His mother asked, "what are you doing?". He replied, "getting some pracyice for when I'm older! I'm poppin' pills, eatin' pussy and movin' on!"

    2) Courtesy of Tricky:
    If someone is offended by you wnaking should they;
    A) Become more open-minded?
    B) Look away, or
    C) Sit somewhere else on the bus...
    Last edited by D4WNO; 03-10-2008 at 07:57.

  27. #27
    Member D4WNO's Avatar
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    Re: Joke thread, i need a laugh! post 'em up

    3 naked men in a sauna, an American, Japanese and an Irishman.

    They heard a beeping sound, the American touches his arm and says "that's my pager, I have a microchip under my skin".

    Next a phone rings and the Japanese man lifts his palm to his ear, he says "I have a microchip in my hand".

    The Irishman, feeling very low-tech, went to the toilet and came back with toilet paper hanging from his ar$e. He says "Oh jaysus, would you look at that...I'm gettin' a fax!

  28. #28
    Trader paul b's Avatar
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    Re: Joke thread, i need a laugh! post 'em up


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