Joke thread, i need a laugh! post 'em up

[stuTHC]

Ill start the ball rolling-

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.


The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.


It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.


He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.


'Well,it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'


And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline..


That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there..


But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'


'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'


'No problem,' he says. And in they go.


Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.


In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.


They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.


As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.


So he leans over and kisses Sandra..


No one says a word.


So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.


Still, nobody says a word.


So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table,and screws her right there, in front of her parents.His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom.


'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.


Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.


All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.


Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'Hey, no problem, I'll do the f****' dishes!'

[Os8472]

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:: laugh::laugh::laugh:thats brillent

[paul b]

Understanding Engineers - Take One:
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She
threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,"Take
what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two:To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three:A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word
with him." [dramatic pause] "Hi George, say, what's with that group
ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire
last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I
think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four:There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he
happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding
a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their
multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone
else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they
called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems
in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the
huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on
a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your
problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly
again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his
service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly: "One chalk mark, $1.00. Knowing where to
put it $49, 999.00."
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five:
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Six:Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical
engineer. Just look at all the joints. "
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven:
Normal people believe that ...if it ain't broke, don't fix it."
Engineers believe that: "...if it ain't broke, it
doesn't have enough features yet."-Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight:An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he
enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring
relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress,because
of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
The others: "Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will
each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the
lab and get some work done."

Understanding Engineers - Take Nine:
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent
over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up
again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful
princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog
out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog
then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll
stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the
frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the
frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess,
that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't
you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[Bod]

I went to the docters the other day,i said have you got anything for wind,He gave me a kite:p

[Purple_rob]

How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your di ck.

[Purple_rob]

I have bad humour :). I'll try not to offend


Q. What did the woman say to her swimming instructor?
A. "Will I really drown if you take your finger out?"

Q. Define "Egghead:"
A. What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A. Ate something.

Q. What is the difference between "Oooh!" and "Aaah!"?
A. About three inches.

Q. What do you do in case of fallout?
A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes!

Q. Why do women have two holes so close together?
A. In case you miss.

Q. When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
A. When he eats his first Brownie

[Deano]

New poster! (less than 10 posts)

GORDON BROWN was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. BROWN if he would like to lead the discussion on the
word 'tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm,
is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would
be a 'tragedy.'

No, said GORDON - that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'


I'm afraid not, explained GORDON - that's what we would call great loss

The room went silent. No other children volunteered GORDON searched the
room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mr Darling was struck
by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.

'Fantastic!' exclaimed GORDON. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that
would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a bloody accident
either!
:smokin:

[Mart]

*attached file*

[Tiny Tim]

*attached file*


:laugh::laugh::agree:

[stuTHC]

*attached file*


pmsl :laugh:

[Mart]

Best thread ever...

http://forum.football365.com/index.php?t=msg&th=43693&prevloaded=1&&start=0

7 pages of the funniest photoshop'd pic's ever :laugh:

[Adam L]

*attached file*

:laugh:

[Adam L]

Two Paddy's are knitting jumpers for their unborn children. The first one says ''I hope mine's a boy, i've used blue cotton''. The second one says, ''I hope mine's a spastic because I ****ed the arms up''

[tonesGTT]

I have bad humour :). I'll try not to offend


Q. What did the woman say to her swimming instructor?
A. "Will I really drown if you take your finger out?"

Q. Define "Egghead:"
A. What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A. Ate something.

Q. What is the difference between "Oooh!" and "Aaah!"?
A. About three inches.

Q. What do you do in case of fallout?
A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes!

Q. Why do women have two holes so close together?
A. In case you miss.

Q. When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
A. When he eats his first Brownie


:laugh:

[tonesGTT]

*attached file*

Genius :laugh::laugh:

[Bigfoot]

Best thread ever...

http://forum.football365.com/index.php?t=msg&th=43693&prevloaded=1&&start=0

7 pages of the funniest photoshop'd pic's ever :laugh:


Saw this video and thought of the pictures. NSFW

http://www.break.com/index/sfw-porn-clips.html

[Billy-G]

Little chav kid says to his Mum, 'Mum, how come I is black and you is white?'

'Don't even go there' says his Mum, 'When I think back to that party, you're lucky you dont f*cking bark!'

[Dave Reed]

New poster! (less than 10 posts)

Women are like parking spaces, sometimes, all the good ones are taken, so when no Fcuker's looking, you have to stick it into a disabled one...

[Guybrush]

Best thread ever...

http://forum.football365.com/index.php?t=msg&th=43693&prevloaded=1&&start=0

7 pages of the funniest photoshop'd pic's ever :laugh:

http://images.encyclopediadramatica.com/images/2/23/Porn08.jpg



:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

[wrightygtt]

*attached file*



Lol thats superb:cool::laugh::D

[Spidey]

New poster! (less than 10 posts)

New poster! (less than 10 posts)

New poster! (less than 10 posts)



http://static.mmoabc.com/my/P/u/n/ch/2007/9/10//1189445092354.jpg

http://static.mmoabc.com/my/P/u/n/ch/2007/9/10//1189445105129.gif

http://static.mmoabc.com/my/P/u/n/ch/2007/9/11//1189535524908.jpg

http://static.mmoabc.com/my/P/u/n/ch/2007/9/10//1189445121280.jpg

http://static.mmoabc.com/my/P/u/n/ch/2007/9/10//1189445138285.jpg

http://static.mmoabc.com/my/P/u/n/ch/2007/9/10//1189445163100.jpg

http://static.mmoabc.com/my/P/u/n/ch/2007/9/10//1189445180105.jpg

http://static.mmoabc.com/my/P/u/n/ch/2007/9/10//1189445196950.jpg

http://static.mmoabc.com/my/P/u/n/ch/2007/9/10//1189445211786.jpg

http://static.mmoabc.com/my/P/u/n/ch/2007/9/10//1189445229668.gif

[UNICRONICUS]

Love these exam ones ^^^ :D

[Purple_rob]

Saw this video and thought of the pictures. NSFW

http://www.break.com/index/sfw-porn-clips.html



This is just genius. HAHAHAHA

[Adam L]

Saw this video and thought of the pictures. NSFW

http://www.break.com/index/sfw-porn-clips.html

Just saw that, classic:laugh:.

[D4WNO]

Ignore

[D4WNO]

A couple of text jokes I've received recently:

1) A kid was sitting on the stairs with his cat, and a bag of jellybeans. His mum was watching him. He put a jellybean in his mouth, then bit the cat, then moved down a step. He then put another jellybean in his mouth, then bit the cat, then moved down another step. His mother asked, "what are you doing?". He replied, "getting some pracyice for when I'm older! I'm poppin' pills, eatin' pussy and movin' on!"

2) Courtesy of Tricky:
If someone is offended by you wnaking should they;
A) Become more open-minded?
B) Look away, or
C) Sit somewhere else on the bus...

[D4WNO]

3 naked men in a sauna, an American, Japanese and an Irishman.

They heard a beeping sound, the American touches his arm and says "that's my pager, I have a microchip under my skin".

Next a phone rings and the Japanese man lifts his palm to his ear, he says "I have a microchip in my hand".

The Irishman, feeling very low-tech, went to the toilet and came back with toilet paper hanging from his ar$e. He says "Oh jaysus, would you look at that...I'm gettin' a fax!

[paul b]

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:: laugh: