View Full Version : joke time!!
What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?
An egg.
:wasntme:
did you hear about the gypsy that won the lotto??
they payed her in travelers cheques:laugh:
did you hear about the gypsy that won the lotto??
they payed her in travelers cheques:laugh:
:laugh:
rs250nut
18-07-2010, 03:13
To all those women who watch football and shout "pass it to frank" or "bring joe cole on" sit down and shut up, you didn't catch me at sex and the city 2 shouting "fcuk her up the ass"
Junglist
18-07-2010, 06:48
two cows in a field , one looks at the other and says moooooo the 2nd cow replys "hay i was gona say that" :sad2:
To all those women who watch football and shout "pass it to frank" or "bring joe cole on" sit down and shut up, you didn't catch me at sex and the city 2 shouting "fcuk her up the ass"
:)
you got to give Emile Heskey some credit, despite having a shocking world cup, he come back home, put a dress on and won Wimbledon within 3 days :laugh:
tonesGTT
18-07-2010, 15:46
you got to give Emile Heskey some credit, despite having a shocking world cup, he come back home, put a dress on and won Wimbledon within 3 days :laugh:
:laugh:
fidos got a raider
18-07-2010, 15:56
Irishman takes his goldfish to the vet says its got epilepsy. The vet says "it looks calm enough to me" Paddy says "I haven't taken it out the bowl yet!"
WOMEN eh!. . . .Boob-jobs,nose-jobs,teeth bleaching,tummy tucks,... See Moreliposuction,colonic irrigation,Botox, pierced ears,pierced nipples,pierced bellies,pierced clits,eyebrows plucked,bikini wax,armpits shaved,legs waxed,lengthy diets,strenuous exercise,child birth . . . . . . . . and THEN,they won't take it up the ass 'cos:''IT HURTS!'
Two iPhones got married. It was a lovely ceremony, but the reception was awful... Aparently they held it in the wrong place.
Junglist
18-07-2010, 19:38
Whats got two legs and bleeds ??,,,
Half a dog !
warpspeed
18-07-2010, 20:03
Wee boy says to his mum "why am i black and your white?", mum says "don't even go there, the state i was in that night your lucky you don't bark!"
I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new childrens' iPod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
A Catholic Priest is fishing one day when he catches a strange looking fish. After studying it for a while someone comes up to him and says that is one big "Son of a bitch". The priest says to the man "please do not swear I am a man of the lord. The man says that he was telling him the name of the fish. It's called a Son of a bitch fish and it's very rare but beautiful if cooked properly. The priest thought about the following day and decided to cook it for the Pope. When the Priest got back to the church the head nun asked him about the strange looking fish he had caught. "thats a big son of a bitch" The nun looked surprised and reminded him that he should not swear in the house of the lord. The priest says that it was the name of the fish and that he wanted her to cook it for the Pope tomorrow. The following day the Pope arrives and they all sit down for dinner. After dinner the Pope says "That was the best dinner I have ever had, what type of fish was that"? The priest says "that was one big son of a bitch and I caught that Son of bitch" one of the nuns said "And I washed that son of a bitch" and the head nun says "And I cooked that son of a bitch" The Pope looked shocked, he looked around and with a big beaming smile he turns to the three of them and says "Go get the wine, you mother fcukers are my type of people"
Guy goes up to a woman in the bar and whispers in her ear, "I'd love to fill your fanny with Stella & drink it all." The woman runs over to her husband and asks him "Aren't you going to kick the **** out of him?" "Nah" he replies, "I'm not fighting any ****er that can drink 25 pints of Stella!"
My lass walked into the bedroom the other night with nothing but a set of 6" heels on, done a twirl, liked her lips and said, "like my new dress" i replied "could do with an iron" :)
Phil
Josie172cup
19-07-2010, 17:46
There are 2 sausages frying in a pan, the first sausage says to the other "by its hot in here." The second sausage replies,"**** ME A TALKING SAUSAGE!"
sorry :scared:
Penfold aka The Dealer
19-07-2010, 17:57
why dont blondes get Tea breaks at work.... takes to long to retrain them after. :)
robbie506
19-07-2010, 18:12
on a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving.
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what to do about her.
The captain said, I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this. He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, Why didn't anyone just say so?
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York.
rs250nut
19-07-2010, 20:08
Little girl in her garden with her dad asks '' Is that a mummy-long legs underneath that daddy-longlegs?'' Dad says ''No sweetie, there are no mummy-longlegs, only daddy-longlegs''. Dad felt very proud of her inquisitive mind until she stamps on them both saying '' We'll have none of that gay $hit in our fcuking garden''.
I got sacked as a lifeguard today.
Turns out the kids have to be dying before you can kiss them.
What's the difference between JLS and Futurama?
There's only one Bender in Futurama.
"Doctor Doctor, I think I might have malaria."
"Right Miss Cole, I'm going to need to see your vagina."
What's 30 foot long and fit as f**k?
The conga at my kid's party.
fidos got a raider
21-07-2010, 13:50
My mate caught me sniffing his sister's knickers while havin a **** yesterday. Lets just say its gonna make things awkward at her funeral tomorrow !
man says to his wife get your coat you me and the dog are going fishing. wife says i dont want to go. man says you got 3 choices. fishing, a blow*** or take it up the ar*s . she say blow***. after sucking for a while she says god your co*k tastes of sh*t. man says i know the dog didnt want to go fishing iver. :laugh::laugh::laugh:
fidos got a raider
21-07-2010, 19:08
The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch. However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.
Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".
A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine:
"england will win the World Cup"
"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive.
There are 2 sausages frying in a pan, the first sausage says to the other "by its hot in here." The second sausage replies,"**** ME A TALKING SAUSAGE!"
sorry :scared:
:laugh::dearme:
My mate caught me sniffing his sister's knickers while havin a **** yesterday. Lets just say its gonna make things awkward at her funeral tomorrow !
:laugh: awsome
How do you know if you're at a gay picnic?
The hotdogs taste like sh1t!
Completely wasted a tenner on pay per view. Turns out 'Jordan - Look at my dribbling c**t' was just a video of Harvey's birthday party.
Husband says to wife "do you fancy playing a rape game?"
wife says "no" husband replies "that’s the spirit!"
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